The Hedge Fund

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I have never published text on my blog before but I’ve had some unfortunate things going on in my life recently and it feels almost therapeutic sometimes to write out exactly how I feel, especially with no one knowing my identity offline. I’m not asking for anyone’s opinion or input, just for respect in letting me voice my story and frustrations in hopes of providing myself with some closure.
I am 22 years old. I went to a small Christian high school, graduating with only 25 people in 2010. In 2011, after a year off from school due to some anxiety issues, I started college and began dating a girl I had wanted to date since the first time I met her when I was a sophomore in high school. She was a year younger than me. She wouldn’t date me in high school because she said I was too much of a ‘player’. I was always self-conscious and shy around girls growing up because I was teased and always had to be the funny guy to get girls to notice me. I was not a cute kid and I wasn’t particularly good at anything. In high school that changed. I grew into what had once been my awkward features and excelled in athletics. I was popular for the first time in my life and I took full advantage, dating almost every attractive girl I could get my hands on, except this girl. I think that’s what intrigued me most, besides the fact that she was drop dead gorgeous, was that I couldn’t have her.
Anyways, our freshman year of college, we lived in the same dorm and began to hang out a lot because we had already known each other, and that eventually led to us dating. I had a wedding ring made from an 8k diamond that my grandmother left me less than 2 months after we started dating. I was sure that she was the one and I was convinced that I would never do better than her. I grew to love her more and more and love her family too. I’m an only child while she had 3 siblings. There was not a day from September 18, 2011 to February 22, 2013 that we didn’t see each other. I was so in love but I couldn’t show it enough. I was angry with her immaturity and the fact that she didn’t trust me and I became verbally abusive to her, cussing and degrading her on a daily basis. She said we needed a break and after a week with little contact I couldn’t reach her by text or call. She wouldn’t respond to me anymore. Her mom texted me and told me it was over and that I needed to get over it. Easy for her to say. I was wrong but I couldn’t come to terms with her leaving me like she did and never wanting any more contact after all we had been through. She filed a no-contact order with our schools police department after I continued to try to contact her. That was the last sign that I needed that she was done and there was nothing more I could do or say to change her mind. I was a wreck. I couldn’t eat or do anything but think about her or watch her social media accounts for hope that she had unblocked me. I prayed that if we were meant to be, she would contact me again and we would work things out. I prayed that prayer every day for 11 months, until it happened.
She texted me and told me she missed me, that she was sorry for how things ended. I felt happiness for the first time in all those months. Slowly but surely I convinced her that I had changed and that we should be together again. We finally were on February 21, 2014. I was head over heels again. It was like that for months until we started to slide back into the was things had been before. Eventually, things were exactly the same and we both expressed our unhappiness in the relationship and our decline in the connection we had between us. I still would have never left her though. On August 21, 2014 we got in an argument through text while I was in one of my classes. The argument escalated until I told her it was over and I wanted all my things back from her apartment. She agreed, and she left my things on her porch for me to pick up. I never wanted to be over but I said it to get a rise out of her.
Things ended the exact same way. I changed my mind but she wouldn’t hear it anymore. She blocked me on all social media, call and text, and deleted me from her life again. I could never see how someone who relied so much on me and was with me 24/7 could cut me out of they’re life like that and seemingly not bat an eye. It makes me feel worthless. I would do anything to talk to her. It’s my fault but I can’t find the justice in having the same ending twice. It just hurts.
I have no idea how the future will play out but I can 99.9% guarantee that I will never get that text again that she misses me and wants me back. It breaks my heart that I didn’t get help with my issues and fix our relationship. I have no idea how to gain closure from this again. I just miss her and love her. All I can do is pray.